7/26/2018
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‘For Any Other President … ’
After listening to a newly released tape of President Trump and his former lawyer Michael Cohen discussing hush payments to the former Playboy model Karen McDougal, Jimmy Kimmel felt the need to remind viewers that we are living in strange times.
“For any other president, a tape like this — on which we hear his voice, his married voice, suggesting that his lawyer pay a Playboy bunny $150,000 in cash to keep her quiet — for any other president, there would be an address to the nation tonight. He would be sitting at a desk, arms folded, serious face. He’d apologize to his wife, his family, possibly Jesus, I don’t know. We might even have to get Barbara Walters involved. But for this president, there’s no statement. For him? Just Wednesday.†— JIMMY KIMMEL
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Stephen Colbert opened his show with a sidelong reference to the Cohen tape, which Trump has said was made without his knowledge.
“Unlike Trump, I know I’m being recorded right now,†Colbert said.
Colbert also got a kick out of a Fox News interview in which Rudy Giuliani, a lawyer for Trump, said he had heard there were 12 extant tapes of Cohen and Trump speaking, before quickly adding, “Don’t quote me on that.â€
“Don’t quote you on that? You’re on live TV! Does anyone on Trump’s team know they’re being recorded?†— STEPHEN COLBERT
‘Really, James Comey?’
Seth Meyers teamed up with his former “Saturday Night Live†colleague Amy Poehler for a segment called “Really!?!†The subject was James Comey, the former F.B.I. director, who said on Twitter this week that the Democratic Party should not move leftward.
“Really, James Comey? You want to weigh in on things when there’s an election coming up? You feel like that’s gone well for you in the past? That’s like Michael Jordan saying, ‘I’m going to take another crack at baseball.’†— SETH MEYERS
“Really, James Comey? You’re worried the Democrats are going to move too far to the left? Really? I don’t know if you remember, but we were just about to have a nice, boring, moderate Democrat for a president until you decided to open your mouth a week before the election, you big, dumb scarecrow. Really, as far as I’m concerned the Democrats can vote for a bong in the shape of Che Guevara, and you got nothing to say about it!†— AMY POEHLER
Trevor Noah on Serena Williams’s Drug-Test Claim
Trevor Noah pointed out some news from the tennis world, where Serena Williams said she was being unfairly targeted for excessive drug screenings, despite having no history of illegal drug use.
“Serena Williams is charging discrimination after learning that the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency has given her twice as many ‘random’ drug tests as any other female tennis player, testing her more than five times this year alone — which is a lot. Basically, she’s going to need a new Gatorade sponsorship just to stay hydrated for all the tests that she’s taking.†— TREVOR NOAH
“What I love about Serena Williams is, she’s such an innate champion that she’s even the best at drug tests. You realize she’s never failed a single drug test. She’s the Serena Williams of drug tests.†— TREVOR NOAH
‘Be Cool’
The president of the European Commission, Jean-Claude Juncker, visited Trump on Wednesday for an emergency meeting on trade. The goal was to assuage tensions that have arisen since Trump implemented tariffs on European steel and aluminum.
In a Twitter post before the meeting, Trump urged negotiators to “be cool.â€
“Be cool? That’s what you say when you’re negotiating for a bag of weed, not plunging the world into an economic crisis. [Trump impersonation] ‘It’s only a few hundred billion dollars’ worth of tariffs, O.K.? So chillax, broseph.’†— STEPHEN COLBERT
“Trump is putting our money where his stupid mouth is, because yesterday he announced ‘plans to send $12 billion to farmers hurt by retaliatory tariffs.’ That’s a good deal — normally, Trump only pays 130 grand to people he screwed.†— STEPHEN COLBERT, quoting from a report in Politico
The Bits Worth Watching
Samantha Bee on Trump’s selection of Brett Kavanaugh to be the next Supreme Court justice: “I guess we should just count our blessings that he didn’t get his first choice, Putin in a wig.â€
Kimmel is always good for some wholesome fun. Here he gets Jeff Ross, the host of the Comedy Central show “Roast Battle,†to teach kids how to insult one another.
What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, this year’s biggest rising star on the Democratic left, will sit down with Noah. (She made her late-night debut this month on “The Late Show.â€)
Also, Check This Out
Billy Joel, who just played his 100th straight sold-out show at Madison Square Garden, gave a candid interview to our reporter. Among other things, he said he’d be happy if he never heard “Piano Man†again, adding, “I don’t think it’s that good a song.â€
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